We just ended a fun season of birthdays and too many fun memories to count! Pool time, mountain trips, daddy building a deck, beach vacation, visits with family in the smokies and at home. Oh my! And I am 29 weeks pregnant with #5! No wonder I am tired just thinking about it all! (Why am I not sleeping now??)
This third trimester has been an emotional one with lots of good days but some dark storm clouds lingering for longer than they are welcome. It is difficult when I look at my kids and my heart swells with joy and so much gratitude and I am energized to have fun and savor every moment and yet, like a switch is flipped, I can feel so overwhelmed and paralyzed from doing anything but sit and stare. It can be a physical barrier at times that seems so heavy and crushing I'm afraid I might waste the little time I am blessed with here on earth with my family. I was crying the other night, telling Kevin my woes of motherhood and how I am so frustrated when I can't be all that I want to be for my kids and him! I begged him for some comforting words as I was just so miserable being crushed under my own judgement of failure and unmet standards. He told me that there are so many times in life when we don't know what God's will is and it is a scary place to be when we are just hoping He blesses a decision. But what I am doing is nothing like that. What I do everyday is God's perfect plan for my life. He will not leave me not foresake me because this is what He has called me to do. It is HARD and BRUTAL and I am truly a living bodily sacrifice, but I am right where He wants me. Wow, what comfort. This one truth lifted so much fog and oppression! The pains and discomforts of pregnancy are still there, motherhood remains the most sanctifying and sacrificial role I have ever filled, but I know He has ordained these things for me. He may not take it away, but He wil never leave me to handle it by myself. He will always show up. There is peace in resting in His perfect plan. When I say "if I wasn't pregnant I could do this or wear this or look like this" what I am really saying is I would rather be there than in His will, I value that more than obedience - where true happiness lies. May it never be! May I be "faithful in a little thing" as Jesus said and say better to be a door keeper in the house of the Lord than to dwell in the tents of the wicked (outside of His will). And what am I? A door keeper of His children, of my home, of my children's futures. A lowly job to some but to the wise who know the Lord, it is far better to be serving my Lord in the small things every day than living the for my flesh that leads to more selfish distruction. Thank you Lord for dealing so graciously to me and blessing me with more than I can handle, but not more than You can!
